Trying to Shake that Feeling

Lately I've had a hard time shaking the feeling that I'm not where I am supposed to be. I've had this feeling for a while now, but whenever I try to leave something keeps me here. I don't want the fear of failing or being alone in the next step of my life to hold me back, but I won't lie and say that doing it all on my own doesn't scare the heck outta me. It's hard to be bold and leave everything I know when the direction I'm supposed to go isn't clear to me. And when I know I don't want to be alone. I've been struggling with where I thought my life would be at this time one year ago. I definitely didn't think I would be trying to figuring this out on my own. It's been discouraging, this feeling of being unsure of my place and my direction. But reading passage tonight lifted my burdens- even if it was just for tonight- it comforted me.

Psalms 143:8-10
" 8 Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing."

V8 reminds me that every morning I need to ask God to guide me and remind me of His love. It sounds ridiculous but it can be easily forgotten how loved we are.
V9 is a cry for help. No I don't have any out right enemies- besides myself doubt. There is no quicker way for me to become lost then when I get lost in the things that have hurt me or that I failed at. I said earlier that I am not where I thought I would be at a year ago. This is one of the biggest things I get stuck dwelling on mainly because the hopes I had for myself were raised high and I didn't get what I thought I was promised and deserved. I thought I knew where my life was going and I thought I knew what God was wanting for my life. I was wrong and I had a hard time accepting that I wasn't going to get the life that I wanted. The only one that can comfort me from that feeling of loss is God. He hides me and saves me from that.
V10 brings me to the realization that he has to be my teacher. I don't know what is going to come to me in life but he can teach and lead me in how I am to learn and grow from it all. But I have to let him lead me, and I have to have faith and firm belief in Him. I cannot bear to doubt Him or His word.

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Sometimes the simplest things can make my day... Like the fact that it's a Friday. On and tomato soup with grilled cheese :) all have made my day today.

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Life Journal Post

Jeremiah 19:13 "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."

When your hope is renewed, your attitude is changed. Today my attitude was changed again. This promise of seek and you will find encourages me today. Wholeheartedly is a word that (to me) means your thinking and your motives are consumed with looking. When you pursue Him with everything you have- you aren't going to be disappointed.

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Sweet Summertime

August is quickly leaving but this weekend felt like summer. One of my best friends came with me to my cabin and we spent the weekend just hanging out and having a great time together. It was one of the first times in a while that I felt like myself again. On top of it all, we went to a church service that left me still feeling refreshed today, man I've missed that. And I will still say that my family's cabin is still my favorite place on Earth... with Fenway being a close second :)

Graffiti behind an old closed business back home.

Summertime shades

Honeybear :)

Some delicious pizza

On the way to the cabin I saw this row of mailboxes on a dirt road


And our sweet temporary tattoos :)


The Perfect Weekend

It's been quite a while since I've updated this but life has been so busy that I just haven't made time for this- although I have been preparing a post. I will finally put it up here :)

This summer I had the opportunity to be in the city of champions with my Dad, not only for Father's day, but also for one of the biggest celebrations I've ever seen. This was the year one of my biggest dreams came true. My dad and I went to Fenway (a place that has been a Mecca for me) for the Red Sox games during Father's Day weekend. It just so happened that right before we went the Bruins won the Stanley Cup and we got to witness the celebration parade and continued party at Fenway. I don't think there could have been a more amazing, magical and appropriate weekend for us to be there. Well maybe if the Sox were playing in the world series but hey that's just another one on the bucket list right?

I hate to cry, but I cried that weekend. I cried when I got to Yawkey Way. I cried when the entire stadium stood on their feet, threw their arms around one another and began to sing "Take me out the the Ballgame" and "Sweet Caroline". And I cried when they played "Dirty Water" on Sunday after we won. And I cried the hardest when it was time to leave.

I stood in awe when all of the Bruins threw the first pitch to the all of the Red Sox- it was like a supernatural experience- these two teams that have the praise of such a loyal fleet of fans. And I jumped to my feet and screamed my lungs out when Youk hit that home run on top of the monster Sunday afternoon. I clapped until my hands hurt when I got to see Wakefield retire batter after batter back to the dug out. When I looked at the scoreboard on Sunday and saw we had SIX runs in only the first inning, my heart filled with such a joy. And I sang at the top of my lungs and swayed from side to side with my Daddy when "Sweet Caroline" came on. It was all so amazing. I've never been in a building that made me feel like I was walking through history, I felt like I was walking on holy ground. Ha, I felt closer to God in that building than I have in almost any church I've been in- but don't tell my mom that- it would be heresy to her. And I was fortunate enough to get to see all of this with one of my favorite people ever.

My Dad and the Red Sox go hand in hand for me. When they beat the Yankees and went on to reverse the curse in 2004, words cannot express that feeling I had when we hugged and celebrated. When I was away at school I would call home and when the small talk was done with we would talk about the Red Sox. When they won the 2007 World Series we were both so excited, I almost cried when I called him to talk about it. When we went to games at other stadiums this man made the baseball experience for me. Going to Fenway with my dad has been one of my dreams since I was about 10- I fell in love with the Red Sox when I was about 8 (when I started to really understand the beauty of having a team) and even a team that hadn't won in so long. They taught me so much. They taught me loyalty even when they crushed your heart. They taught me that patience is rewarded.

When I decided a while back I wanted to make my pilgrimage to Fenway, it was only right that my first time there HAD to be with him- the man that taught me to love them. The guy that would smile and quote the players, the guy that would teach me the phrase "stinkin yankees" (might as well had been cursing)- That guy took me there this year. I've begged him a number of times. I've had the opportunity to go a few other times too, but he wasn't up for the trip those other times. I thought we would never go. This year that changed and waiting for this weekend couldn't have been a better thing. I wouldn't have been able to experience that electricity that shot throughout the crowd when the Stanley Cup was being hoisted over our heads at the parade. I wouldn't have been able to hear the screamed chants and cheers of the crowds when the team took to the warning track in the Duck Boats. I wouldn't have been able to shout at the top of my lungs "WE WON THE CUP" every time they showed the highlight plays on that board in center-field. I wouldn't have been able to clap when they played the Bruins bullhorn and song every time the Sox got a run. And that was just the hockey stuff. I was just speechless in that city. A city with four teams that have all brought home at least one championship in this last decade for their fans. The pride in that city made you want to be from there. It made me want to stay there forever. Boston you stole my heart.

I had the hardest time leaving that place. I felt like I belonged there. The day after I got home I started looking up jobs and apartments there. It was funny to hear people ask me how it felt to be home after my trip because I haven't felt home since I got on that airplane to come back. Every bit of me wants to be back there. Every game I see on the TV or hear on the radio makes me miss being in those seats at Fenway. I want to go back- and I plan on making it my home. No not just because of the Red Sox, but because the feel of that city- it just felt right. It was fast paced, but you could take your time. I don't know if that makes sense but it just felt right. 

I may not be there right now, but I am so happy I could go. I am so thankful for my dad and how much he loves me and the Sox. It was a perfect weekend.